A Sad Thank You
Dear Chris Zhu,
I have struggled long with writing this letter, not only because of how personal the subject matter is but also because it follows a decision that leaves my hands feeling somewhat cold, like the wind flowing between my sweaty fingers. For the first time, I realize that I need something, but it also makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable because there is a bit of uncertainty ahead of me. But I digress ...
It was on this rock
Last year in early October, I stood on this rock in the Smokey Mountains for 5 minutes. Those five minutes felt like an eternity. There was no cell signal up there, and the long drive up to my AirBnB was punctuated with large pockets of deep silence as the engine revved up the mountain. Alone in the mountains, it was the first time in a long time that I had experienced such silence. I was forced to take a break, and to use the time to think. This was the day I started to really ponder [albeit reluctantly], about what I am about to share with you in this brief scribble.
How it started
The last 5 years of my life have been nothing short of amazing. I came to China 7 years ago, knowing no one, with the hope to study Computer Science and discover more about the world — learn a thing or two, make some more friends around the globe.
Initially, I thought that coming to China would teach me more about the outside world — and they indeed have! However, I also simultaneously find that they have taught me even more about myself. This was something that I initially, did not expect. But I have come to appreciate the value of these lessons.
I would even go as far as deduce that a significant part of all discovery is the discovery of self — Not in a self-serving and sensual manner, but more in the sense of foundational lessons like, the discipline of temperance, clarity of thought and even the simple yet sometimes elusive ability to speak the truth (in the sense that one's language should agree with the thoughts of one's mind).
Now, I will not herein, claim to have attained a full and complete mastery of self as it may seem, but in the last seven years, I have, to a meaningful extent, learned what it is that I ought to strive for, and what manner of direction I should take my life and I am grateful to you, Chris for being a part of this story.
Realizations - How it's going
Over the last few months, one of the difficult lessons I have had to come to terms with was to look after myself. I learned that life is a long journey. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. I guess my ambition to do great things, which I suppose is rooted in the pressure of high expectations from my family from a young age and the challenging conditions in which I grew up, drove me to perhaps push myself beyond measure. I was afraid to lack. I was afraid of being judged, for not exploring every opportunity. More so, I found the sense of helplessness when placed in waters that were higher than my capacity especially revolting. So I pushed myself constantly. I needed to learn to swim at every new level. I needed to stay afloat. I needed to be financially free. I needed to provide for my family. I needed to represent my country. I needed to represent my faith.
To the best of my knowledge, I believe that these values are good. But I perhaps, may have pursued them the wrong way — I ignored the warning signs my body and mind would give me when I needed a break. So I vigorously pursued the above ambitions, and I did so at the expense of my physical and mental health, as well as relationships that are important to me. I thought fixing this would be like the flip of a switch, and boom! It's all good — nothing to worry about, right?! But I've found that it's a lot harder than I thought. I built some bad habits over 5 years. And it was hard to admit and come to terms with the fact that I need to unlearn them and put new ones in place that will help me recover from burnout.
Gratitude and difficult decisions
I am also grateful that 5 years of my life have been nothing short of amazing! I've rubbed shoulders with some of the brightest minds, the kindest souls and the most intriguing entities in the world! I've made some really awesome friends. I've built some epic things of which I am proud. The best of those 5 startup years was with Mirror World. I'm grateful to God and to you, Chris for giving me this opportunity.
Consequently, I have decided to take a much-needed break, and step down from the position of CTO at Mirror World, bringing this phase of my blessed journey with Mirror World to an end this month of February. It's sad, but I found it most fitting to do so. I'm proud of everything we've built and mostly proud of the team we have, and I must recognize your vision to build Mirror World. It's infectious! In a good way of course and I am confident in your ability as a founder, Chris.
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I haven't been perfect at everything while working with you. I've made a lot of mistakes. I am sorry and do sincerely apologize for those places I've fallen short. I am taking steps to make improvements in those areas. I really appreciate your patience and generosity. It has been an amazing experience working with you, and I will always cherish the memories we have made together. Thank you for believing in me and for always encouraging me. It really does make a difference.
Builders will build
I am grateful for the opportunities that our company has offered me, and I am thankful for all of the people I have met along the way. I am sure that I will miss the day-to-day grind, but I am ready to take this time for myself and explore the world. I'm sure I'll be back again at the grind, one way or another! After all, builders will build.
But I most sincerely do wish you all the best in your future endeavors and hope that our paths will cross again in the future. It has been a pleasure working with you, and I am sure that I will miss the special relationships I have built over the years. I am confident that this break I am taking will give me the chance to grow and learn new habits that will help me in my future endeavors.
I often think about the photo in the smokey mountains. And it reminds me of how I really wanted to make your dream come true for Mirror World. I am sorry that I could not live up to that dream. Life happened. But I hope to make you proud one day in the future!
Open-source, Europe & MIT
What's next for me? I don't really know to be honest. It feels weird. I do want to spend more time with family and rekindle some old meaningful relationships. So I'll start by visiting my brother and family in Europe (I haven't seen them in 8 years — lol not lol). In the meantime, I'll keep working on open-source and rethink the business model at Xtellar. I also plan to do a Masters Degree in Computer Science at MIT next year. So I'm sure we'll meet somewhere in Boston's crazy weather or maybe take over the streets of New York! I will be sure to keep in touch, and I can’t wait to hear about all the amazing things you will do in the future. And who knows, maybe we'll work together again! For now I'll take things a little slower and be intentional about my health. :)
I will finish up on the new wallet UI development as well as the EVM demo, and prepare to hand over access control for the things in my custody over the next two weeks. As for who I would recommend for my replacement, I think that 李乐 would be suitable to fill the role of CTO. Both he and Jozhe of leading our engineering team. But I will be available to step in and help case of anything critical.
Let's talk today at our 1v1 today.
Fondly,
Jonathan Bakebwa